Thursday, February 5, 2015

Becoming Jessica D'vine - The Journey of a Cross Dresser

"I still remember my first 1st grade crush...All I could think about were girls then. I just loved being around them.

It wasn't the type of feelings my friends had though. It was more of an admiration than attraction... I realize that now.

I'm more attracted to personalities than physical appearances. I can't stand the traditional male personality.

I had a lot of male and female friends by the time I was done with school but I always enjoyed spending time with the girl’s way more than the guys. I didn't understand it at the time. I was just trying to be the man that society told me I should be. I knew I wasn't gay so that just meant that I was supposed to find a girlfriend, get married, and have children. So that's what I did. I'll come back to that. 

I was a child of the 70's and 80's. Glam rock. I had long curly hair that touched my butt when I was 19. My close friend, Alicia, would invite me over and straighten my hair and practice hair styles on me. She always wanted to put makeup on me. I wanted her to but I never let her. We were at a small house party one night and I had a little too much to drink. My friend thought I was passed out and thought it would be funny to start putting makeup on me. I knew what she was doing but I let her believe I was passed out.

When she was done, she "woke me up". I looked gorgeous! Wow. There are some very incriminating photos of me from that night. I wish I had the nerve to ask her for them.

When I was 19 years old I started going to clubs, I loved the city life of going out and having fun. I would wear tight shirts, skin tight cut off shorts with ass torn out. Although there was nothing masculine about me the women loved it anyway. I had charisma and a way of connecting with the ladies, which I didn't always understand.

I look back now and can't help but think, OMG, I was such a girl! I eventually met a woman when I was 22.  We were very open with each other and had a very kinky sex life. She would let me wear her spandex pants when I asked. I liked how my legs and butt looked in them and so did she. And she had these gorgeous heels. She told me to put them on once for her but made me take them off immediately. She said it bothered her that I had a very feminine appearance. 

We spent 13 years together, got married and had 2 children. Every time she was away for a weekend I would use it as an opportunity to dress in women's clothes, putting on make-up, fake nails, and heels. I loved the way I looked, and loved the way I felt. She still has no idea that I did this every time she was away. I have now been divorced for almost 10 years.

The biggest problem that I faced in accepting who I was, is that I believed my admiration for my feminine appearance was just a kinky sexual fetish. I felt as though there was something wrong with me, that I was some sort of pervert.

I struggled with accepting myself. I would go out, buy make-up and lingerie just to throw it all away out of disgust. I loved how I looked when I was dressed in feminine clothing, but feeling like a pervert was just too much for me to handle.

Last April, the urges came back. I had injured my shoulder at work and went on disability so I had a lot of free time on my hands. I decided to do some research on cross dressing. I realized I wasn't alone. Hours and hours of research. I eventually came across I looked at everything and read every article associated with it. I decided that since I'm not getting any younger, now is the time to finally come out. I ordered some breast forms and a makeup kit.

 I trusted Glamour Boutique to be discreet, and they were. I was scared but I went and bought an outfit and heels. I practiced for hours with my makeup. I didn't want to look trashy for my first public appearance. 

 In May I went to my first Pride weekend in Edmonton, Alberta.  I found other transgender people on Facebook and I got the nerve to head out. I was very lucky to find a cross dresser who is married. She and her wife invited me to their home to help me get ready. I was conservative. I didn't feel comfortable wearing a dress in public. So jeans, a tank top and heels it was, and a wig course. I was happy with how I looked and my new friends brought me out to a club in Edmonton. There were about 20 of us, cross dressers, transgender, and drag queens. Everyone made me feel so comfortable. 

Only a few friends from Jef's world know about Jessica. I realized that I am gender fluid. I'm very comfortable in my male and female personas. I don't need to get dressed up to feel feminine. It's just there. My kids don't know and they don't need to. I'm their dad and that's how it will always be. I made my decisions when I was younger and it's my responsibility as a father to be that person to them. Maybe when they're both adults they may find out. If I ever feel it would benefit either of them knowing, I will tell them for sure. I would love to tell all my friends that I am gender fluid but I don't want my kids to find out.

So I still have my secret and that's fine. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me anymore.
Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. Some men feel like they should have been born a woman. Some men dress up for sexual reasons. Some men cross dress because they need to express their feminine side. I don't judge anyone for doing what they do.

There's nothing wrong with us. We are people that lead lives. We have jobs and families. We care about others. We have goals. I'm proud to be who I am, regardless of which gender I choose to represent myself as. 

I hope my story helps at least one person feel that it's okay to be who they are. You are beautiful."

Jessica D'vine

Thank you Jessica for sharing your inspirational story with us, we too hope it will help others. If you would like to share your story with Glamour Boutique, please contact me at: 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Jessica. It is always good to read about other crossdressers and how they handle their own situations. Being closeted and married surely throws curveballs at the ability to learn to love yourself for who you were born to be. Only when you can accept who you really are will there be a chance to live a life that you deserve, one without guilt causing so much stress. Once you become happy and enjoy being of "two worlds" you can become a better spouse, father and friend. Again, thanks for sharing.